i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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