Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
