How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
