I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
