There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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