some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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