Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
