I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
