I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
