So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
