I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
