well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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