does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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