you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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