franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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