i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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