my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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