I will die if light touches me.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
