I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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