This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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