I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
