This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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