I could make wine with my vomit
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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