I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
