There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
