i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize