when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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