that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
