see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
