I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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