I accidentally burped into my bong.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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