My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize