forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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