Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
