the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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