Pappa wants mamma naked
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
