if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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