Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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