we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
