When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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