I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
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