New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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