today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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