Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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