Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize