I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
