how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
