A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
