I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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