I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
