Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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