I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
