we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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