I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
