he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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