There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize