god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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