sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
